I Will Be Without
I will be without because it has to be you or no one at all.
Since the first time I’ve laid eyes on you I could think of nothing else. I knew where you would be every Saturday night and from then on my Saturday nights became about you. I would wait in anticipation the whole week just to be able to see you, we never spoke, but you knew my eyes were on you the whole time. You looked at me a few times, I never looked away. I stopped breathing for that time our eyes met. How was I supposed to speak to you when you took my breath away just by looking at me?
Then one day you stopped my best friend to ask her for the phone number of someone you both knew. You gave her your number so she could IM it to you. My friend gave yours to me. The next day I IM’d you. At least this way I could breathe and talk to you at the same time. I was being romantic and you thought I was charming, but you did not know who I was – it was the best day of my life. I felt I could do anything as long as you were there.
At the end of that day you wanted to know who I was and I told you. You could even see my picture because the club we both attended had a website with pictures that were taken at every party. From there I battled for 2 weeks to get you to meet me for a drink. You said if I couldn’t approach you in the club, what gave me the idea I could speak to you any other time. We ended up talking to each other for the first time at the club. I nearly died of heart failure. It went downhill from there. You still took my breath away. I must have come across like such an idiot looking like a fish but barely saying anything.
You told me that you just came out of a messy break-up and needed time. We could be friends though in the mean time. Man, that should have sent off the warning bells, but I was oblivious. Only thinking of what I could do to help you through that. We met once or twice a month for coffee and maybe once in a while had dinner. You didn’t accept all of my invitations. We would chat at the club we both still went to, but only for a little while. This went one for nearly 6 months. I was content to just be there for you.
Then the shock came. I saw you dancing with someone else and you started kissing her on the dance floor. I was speechless once again, but not because I was breathless. I didn’t know if I felt like crying or laughing. I decided to put on a brave face and congratulate you. After that I tried everything to get you out of my mind and out of my heart, but no such luck. I even asked you to tell me if you don’t want to be friends with me, but you wouldn’t. I knew I couldn’t walk away out of my own. I needed you in my life like I needed to breathe. After only a few weeks you broke up and I saw a brighter future again.
What a fool I was. It didn’t take you very long to once again find someone new. That also didn’t last very long, but you still didn’t see me in that light.
Then came Valentine’s Day. I sent you a bouquet of 12 red roses and wrote a small note by hand but did not sign it. I still remember the words so clearly.
“As long as there is a sky from which the rains can fall,
As long as there is earth from which life can grow,
You will always be special to me”
Those words came from my heart and I prayed that they would find yours, but I was a fool once again. You didn’t even suspect that they came from me.
Later when we spoke about it you told me that you have met someone new. Someone very special to you. I could see that it was different this time and knew that my dreams would always just be dreams. In a weird way I grew to accept it knowing that you were happy. I even made friends with your new love. She is actually a very nice person and I can’t find any reason to dislike her except for the fact that she is with you although I can’t even do that, because you were never mine to begin with.
After all this time you still have the ability to take my breath away, but at least now I can mentally prepare myself for it. This way I look like I am happy and sometimes I even feel a little happy because you are still in my life but inside my heart breaks a little more every time I see you.
I have tried very hard to get involved with someone else, but it was only physical and that is not who I am. I am a romantic soul and need to be able to express myself that way. This to me means one thing only –
I will be without, because it has to be you or no one at all.